Alright, truth be told, I don't really give a damn what happens to my body after I die. At that point, I'm really just an expired bag of guts and stuff, so do with me what you will. However, I've been thinking about it, and I've decided I DO want a grave site. Well, actually, it doesn't even matter if my body is buried there, so it's not so much the grave site I want, but rather just the headstone.
I mean, sure, I don't really have any interest in what happens to my body, but let's face it - my existence is way too awesome to just let it pass without some kind of reminder for people. That's why I need a headstone - the hundreds of eventual mourners will need some place to congregate, after all.
But, have you ever noticed how boring headstones are? Oh, sure, some people gussy them up a little...include little statues or funny little sayings. But still, at the end of the day, if you've seen one tombstone, you've seen 'em all. Well this is where I want to be different. I want a kick-ass headstone to reflect a kick-ass person.
First off, forget the simple "beloved son, father, uncle, first cousin, etc., blah-blah" crap. Here's what mine should read: "Trevor Snyder. 3rd Man on the Moon, 23rd President of the United States, and the guy who renamed Constantinople to Istanbul." I'd also like an engraved image of me walking hand-in-hand with Milla Jovovich. Obviously, none of this is true, per se. But once you're dead, you no longer have to answer for your lies.
As for the birth and death dates, I want to keep that interesting also. Let's say, for instance, that I die on April 23rd, 2053. Well, I don't want the dates on my headstone to just read "Sept. 19, 1980 - April 23, 2053." Booooring! How about this:
Born: Sept. 19, 1980
Buried: April 23, 2053
Died: April 24-25, 2053
OK, finally, and I'll admit this is a weird one. Have you seen that new fad in headstones, where people actually have little TV screens built into them, that show home video packages of the person? I guess they're battery powered, and last for years for a time. Cool idea...but I don't want to bore anyone with video of me. So, I am gonna get one of those TV's, but instead of my home videos, I want it to just show the classic film Bats, starring Lou Diamond Phillips, on a constant loop.
Why Bats? Why not? It does have one of the best theme songs ever. "Bats, bats, bats, they're gonna suck you dry!!" Fuck yeah, they will. Actually, come to think of it, I want my headstone to read: "Trevor Snyder - Killed by Bats."
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