Avert your eyes! It's the Eclipse trailer!

I hate to follow up a post discussing one of the all-time great vampire movies with a post about the series that seems dead-set on destroying vampires; but hey, that's just how it works out sometimes.

Oh, look! It's the brand new trailer for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse!

Are they freaking kidding with this shit?

Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. How is it that a series that was so bad from the beginning continues to somehow devolve more and more with each entry? Now, I know this was just a minute and a half teaser, but still - let me just share my initial thoughts upon watching this tripe.

• The trailer starts off as I believe we want all vampire movies to start off - with a couple uncharismatic douche-bags sitting in a field of flowers talking about love. More specifically, Edward is telling Bella he will love her for all time...which might be a more powerful statement if he hadn't hightailed it out of town and potentially left her at the mercy of powerful enemies in the last film. "My bad," I guess he would say.
• Next up we get Dakota Fanning (and you already know how I feel about her). She arrives to tell Edward and Bella that "the Volturi don't give second chances." Which is odd, because I'm pretty sure that's exactly how the last film ended. With the Volturi giving Edward a second chance! Oh well. Anyway, Edward meets this obvious threat with his usual response - a blank look that can barely be legally called an expression (pictured above).
• Now we get to Bella asking Edward why he is against turning her into a vampire and ARE YOU FUCKIN' SERIOUS?? Didn't we already go over this ad nauseum in the last movie? In my review of New Moon, I pointed out Bella's constant annoying nagging about this issue...and now we have to sit through it again? I'm convinced that Edward must eventually turn her just to finally shut her up.
• Jacob enters the picture next, and in case you didn't get that this series is all about a love triangle, he lays it out for you with some of the most direct, lazy dialogue imaginable. "I'm in love with you, and I want you to pick me instead of him." Wow, really spelling it out for us there, aren't you, Jake? Oh, by the way, he also tells her that she wouldn't have to change if she picked him - but wasn't his whole deal last time that he was worried he might lash out and horribly disfigure her face if he got angry and his inner-wolf took over? I guess he got over that. Here's hoping if that happens he doesn't claw off Bella's lower lip, leaving her with nothing to constantly bite.
• Speaking of Jacob, what's the deal with Taylor Lautner in this trailer? Lautner showed the slightest hint of actual likable charisma in New Moon (which put him miles ahead of the human mannequin, Robert Pattinson). But now suddenly in this one he's delivering every line with the same sort of sleepy non-interest as Edward. Why is it a requirement for this series that the characters have to be as boring as humanly possible?
• Now shit gets serious, as the film's apparent chief villain shows up. And, oh snap, it's...that one red-headed vampire chick that didn't really do anything in the first film and then showed up for a few minutes in the second one but still didn't do anything! Oh no! My opinion of Stephenie Meyer as an author is well documented, but this is just more wood for the fire. She has no concept of how to build an intriguing villain. Heck, in the first book it felt like she outright forgot she even needed any sort of conflict, and then when she remembered she just awkwardly wedged it all into the final couple chapters. Now here we are supposed to give a damn about a villain that we know pretty much nothing about. Keep in mind, this is not a new character. This chick has been in the last two films...but has not been given one single moment to develop even the slightest hint of a personality. Did she even have a line in New Moon? She's essentially the equivalent of the useless enemy henchmen in a Bond movie, except oddly elevated to the main villain role. Because we have no connection to her, we know that she doesn't pose any sort of serious threat to our main characters. And yet the movie wants us to be all excited that she is back. Fuck you, Twilight.
• I hate to beat this dead horse, but check out the official synopsis of Eclipse. "Bella once again finds herself surrounded by danger as Seattle is ravaged by a string of mysterious killings and a malicious vampire continues her quest for revenge. In the midst of it all, she is forced to choose between Edward and Jacob — knowing that her decision has the potential to ignite the struggle between vampire and werewolf." Now, you tell me - couldn't that also be the exact synopsis for the last movie? It's like they're not even trying at this point. And, you know what, they probably aren't. Because dumb teenage girls and even dumber middle-aged moms are gonna eat this crap up no matter what. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna sit here and patiently wait for Daybreakers to come out on DVD.