Monday, March 15, 2010

Here lies Trevor Snyder...


Alright, truth be told, I don't really give a damn what happens to my body after I die. At that point, I'm really just an expired bag of guts and stuff, so do with me what you will. However, I've been thinking about it, and I've decided I DO want a grave site. Well, actually, it doesn't even matter if my body is buried there, so it's not so much the grave site I want, but rather just the headstone.

I mean, sure, I don't really have any interest in what happens to my body, but let's face it - my existence is way too awesome to just let it pass without some kind of reminder for people. That's why I need a headstone - the hundreds of eventual mourners will need some place to congregate, after all.

But, have you ever noticed how boring headstones are? Oh, sure, some people gussy them up a little...include little statues or funny little sayings. But still, at the end of the day, if you've seen one tombstone, you've seen 'em all. Well this is where I want to be different. I want a kick-ass headstone to reflect a kick-ass person.

First off, forget the simple "beloved son, father, uncle, first cousin, etc., blah-blah" crap. Here's what mine should read: "Trevor Snyder. 3rd Man on the Moon, 23rd President of the United States, and the guy who renamed Constantinople to Istanbul." I'd also like an engraved image of me walking hand-in-hand with Milla Jovovich. Obviously, none of this is true, per se. But once you're dead, you no longer have to answer for your lies.

As for the birth and death dates, I want to keep that interesting also. Let's say, for instance, that I die on April 23rd, 2053. Well, I don't want the dates on my headstone to just read "Sept. 19, 1980 - April 23, 2053." Booooring! How about this:

Born: Sept. 19, 1980
Buried: April 23, 2053
Died: April 24-25, 2053

OK, finally, and I'll admit this is a weird one. Have you seen that new fad in headstones, where people actually have little TV screens built into them, that show home video packages of the person? I guess they're battery powered, and last for years for a time. Cool idea...but I don't want to bore anyone with video of me. So, I am gonna get one of those TV's, but instead of my home videos, I want it to just show the classic film Bats, starring Lou Diamond Phillips, on a constant loop.


Why Bats? Why not? It does have one of the best theme songs ever. "Bats, bats, bats, they're gonna suck you dry!!" Fuck yeah, they will. Actually, come to think of it, I want my headstone to read: "Trevor Snyder - Killed by Bats."

Friday, March 12, 2010

Avert your eyes! It's the Eclipse trailer!


I hate to follow up a post discussing one of the all-time great vampire movies with a post about the series that seems dead-set on destroying vampires; but hey, that's just how it works out sometimes.

Oh, look! It's the brand new trailer for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse!


Are they freaking kidding with this shit?

Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. How is it that a series that was so bad from the beginning continues to somehow devolve more and more with each entry? Now, I know this was just a minute and a half teaser, but still - let me just share my initial thoughts upon watching this tripe.

  • The trailer starts off as I believe we want all vampire movies to start off - with a couple uncharismatic douche-bags sitting in a field of flowers talking about love. More specifically, Edward is telling Bella he will love her for all time...which might be a more powerful statement if he hadn't hightailed it out of town and potentially left her at the mercy of powerful enemies in the last film. "My bad," I guess he would say.
  • Next up we get Dakota Fanning (and you already know how I feel about her). She arrives to tell Edward and Bella that "the Volturi don't give second chances." Which is odd, because I'm pretty sure that's exactly how the last film ended. With the Volturi giving Edward a second chance! Oh well. Anyway, Edward meets this obvious threat with his usual response - a blank look that can barely be legally called an expression (pictured above).
  • Now we get to Bella asking Edward why he is against turning her into a vampire and ARE YOU FUCKIN' SERIOUS?? Didn't we already go over this ad nauseum in the last movie? In my review of New Moon, I pointed out Bella's constant annoying nagging about this issue...and now we have to sit through it again? I'm convinced that Edward must eventually turn her just to finally shut her up.
  • Jacob enters the picture next, and in case you didn't get that this series is all about a love triangle, he lays it out for you with some of the most direct, lazy dialogue imaginable. "I'm in love with you, and I want you to pick me instead of him." Wow, really spelling it out for us there, aren't you, Jake? Oh, by the way, he also tells her that she wouldn't have to change if she picked him - but wasn't his whole deal last time that he was worried he might lash out and horribly disfigure her face if he got angry and his inner-wolf took over? I guess he got over that. Here's hoping if that happens he doesn't claw off Bella's lower lip, leaving her with nothing to constantly bite.
  • Speaking of Jacob, what's the deal with Taylor Lautner in this trailer? Lautner showed the slightest hint of actual likable charisma in New Moon (which put him miles ahead of the human mannequin, Robert Pattinson). But now suddenly in this one he's delivering every line with the same sort of sleepy non-interest as Edward. Why is it a requirement for this series that the characters have to be as boring as humanly possible?
  • Now shit gets serious, as the film's apparent chief villain shows up. And, oh snap, it's...that one red-headed vampire chick that didn't really do anything in the first film and then showed up for a few minutes in the second one but still didn't do anything! Oh no! My opinion of Stephenie Meyer as an author is well documented, but this is just more wood for the fire. She has no concept of how to build an intriguing villain. Heck, in the first book it felt like she outright forgot she even needed any sort of conflict, and then when she remembered she just awkwardly wedged it all into the final couple chapters. Now here we are supposed to give a damn about a villain that we know pretty much nothing about. Keep in mind, this is not a new character. This chick has been in the last two films...but has not been given one single moment to develop even the slightest hint of a personality. Did she even have a line in New Moon? She's essentially the equivalent of the useless enemy henchmen in a Bond movie, except oddly elevated to the main villain role. Because we have no connection to her, we know that she doesn't pose any sort of serious threat to our main characters. And yet the movie wants us to be all excited that she is back. Fuck you, Twilight.
  • I hate to beat this dead horse, but check out the official synopsis of Eclipse. "Bella once again finds herself surrounded by danger as Seattle is ravaged by a string of mysterious killings and a malicious vampire continues her quest for revenge. In the midst of it all, she is forced to choose between Edward and Jacob — knowing that her decision has the potential to ignite the struggle between vampire and werewolf." Now, you tell me - couldn't that also be the exact synopsis for the last movie? It's like they're not even trying at this point. And, you know what, they probably aren't. Because dumb teenage girls and even dumber middle-aged moms are gonna eat this crap up no matter what. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna sit here and patiently wait for Daybreakers to come out on DVD.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

13-Year-Old Girl > Stephenie Meyer


Alright, I realize I've been letting this blog just sorta sit here and collect dust, so starting today I'm gonna try to make a real effort to write on here more often. Typically, it will be my thoughts on whatever news I come across, particularly pertaining to my beloved horror genre. For instance:

I have mixed feelings on wise-beyond-their-years kids. On one hand, they sorta creep me out. I remember hearing about how Dakota Fanning, when meeting with producers of films she was trying out for, would leave her parents and other adult handlers outside, and come into the room with her own copy of the script that she had already made extensive notes in regarding the character she was auditioning for. That's not "cute." It's scary. Think back to how dumb and scatter-brained you were when you were a young child. Now compare that to what I just said, and everything else we know and have seen of Fanning. We better hope that, as she grows older, Fanning continues to focus primarily on acting. At the rate she's maturing, she could probably rule us all one day if she turned her attention toward it.

Now, on the other hand, as someone who has worked in retail and had to deal with the usual dumb-as-bricks kids (and their equally stupid parents) on a fairly regular basis, I can see the positives of these way-too-smart kids, as well. Sure, Dakota Fanning's maturity might be a little off-putting, but at least you can probably trust her on her own for a while, without the fear that she is going to randomly tear open packages and try to stick things up her nose for no reason (that would be Lindsay Lohan, actually).

Plus, the other nice thing about these kids is that, sometimes, it's nice to hear that they really know what the fuck they're talking about. Take Chloe Moretz, for instance. This 13-year-old is best known to most for her role in 500 Days of Summer. Not to me, though, because I still haven't seen 500 Days of Summer, and am in no hurry to do so. Actually, one of the biggest reasons I avoided 500 Days of Summer was how annoying Moretz' character looked in the trailer. Sure, she only had one line ("alright, start from the beginning"), but it was delivered in such an annoying manner that I wanted to punch her. And I've found it's probably best if I avoid any movies that have a by-product of making me want to assault small children.

Still, I can't avoid her forever. And, in fact, I'm quite looking forward to Moretz' next film, the gleefully raunchy and violent superhero satire Kick-Ass. If the film's red-band trailer (which depicts Moretz dismembering bad guys and uttering the c-word) is any indication, Moretz is poised to be a breakout star thanks to her role as Hit Girl. What does this mean for horror fans? Well, it means there will be an extra level of attention paid to her next project - one that many fans like myself are naturally worried about: the American remake of the excellent Swedish vampire film Let the Right One In.

Now, as I have already documented in this very blog, I have nothing against the idea of horror remakes in general. But I think most of us can agree that this is one of those remakes that is pretty darn unnecessary. For one thing, Let the Right One In is from 2008! It's not like this will be a re-telling for a new generation. Plus, the original is widely considered by many horror fans (including this one) to be one of the best vampire movies ever. It seems doubtful that a new version can really improve upon it.

That being said, I have to admit that there are slight positive signs starting to emerge regarding Let Me In (as the American remake has been bizarrely re-named). In terms of its writer-director, there could certainly be far worse options that Cloverfield helmer Matt Reeves. That giant-monster movie showed an impressive talent behind the camera - at least in terms of big-budget mayhem. I'm not sure if that necessarily translates to the more subtle chills that Let Me In demands, but still, I'd rather see it in the hands of someone like Reeves, who has made at least one excellent movie, than some no-namer or someone with a sketchier resume.

But the real interesting developments so far have been in the casting department. The always great Richard Jenkins will be playing the young vampire's guardian - a creepy role than could be even creepier if this version hews closer to the original novel than the first film (although I somehow doubt that). Meanwhile, there are the all important lead-roles, which it's only natural to worry about since, let's face it, talented child actors aren't exactly one of America's most abundant resources. Thankfully, it appears this, too, has gone better than it could have, as the central role of the young boy is being played by Kodi Smit-McPhee, who recently impressed by sharing the screen and totally holding his own with Viggo Mortensen in The Road. And, as the film's mysterious young vampire? Yup...Chloe Moretz.

I realize this isn't enough to really start getting excited for a project that still seems like a pointless idea, if not an outright bad one. But, like I said, there are positive signs. Take, for instance, this quote from a new interview Moretz did for Movieline, in which she shared her take on her role in Let Me In.

"The character of Abby…I mean, usually a lot of movies glamorize being a vampire. It’s pretty, it’s cool, you look awesome! It’s scary, deep, and dark, this devil inside of her. The vampire is different than Abby. It’s like her alternate personality, and when it takes her over, she has no control."

So here we have a 13-year-old girl, not only showing a better understanding of what makes vampires interesting than a bestselling hack author like Stephenie Meyer does, but also saying exactly the right things when it comes to the hoped-for tone of this movie. Now, once again, it's way too early to start getting my hopes up. And I realize that, just because Moretz "gets" the character, doesn't mean the film (and Reeves) will actually live up to that understanding. Although, worse comes to worse, maybe they could just let her direct the damn thing. Hell, that one comment above sounds a lot more intelligent and with-it than anything I've ever heard come out of, say, Brett Ratner's mouth.

All things considered, though, Moretz' comments at least hint at some possible good signs in what at first seemed like the mother of all bad ideas. I'm still reserving judgment, and I still feel that even a decent Let Me In will probably not come close to equaling Let the Right One In. But a decent film would obviously be better to have out there than an awful one. Look at it this way - best case scenario, the film actually does stay true to the original and hit the right tone, and maybe finally starts weaning American audiences away from their Twilight-induced wimpy-vampire leanings. Do I want a Let the Right One In remake? Not necessarily. But with three more Twilight films on the way, I'm certainly not going to complain about any new American vampire movies that actually give the creatures their teeth (and balls) back.